Perhaps this will go down as a failed experiment. Perhaps it will become something I never post. Or perhaps it will become something that you’ll read along with next time you watch this Steven Soderbergh…erm…masterpiece? Either way, this is a live blog of Magic Mike, a film I’m watching as a deserved punishment for forgetting to make some phone calls at work on Tuesday. Here goes nothing!
11:43 PM: Popped in Magic Mike
11:43:10 PM: Realized that’s a poor choice of words. Trying this again…
11:43:15 PM: Inserted…no…
11:43:17 PM: Turned on Mag…no….
11:44 PM: Began Magic Mike.
11:44:50 PM: Previews. Always the previews. Why do I need a two minute long schpiel about how great Blu-Rays are WHEN I RENTED A DAMN BLU-RAY?! I *know* how good Blu-Rays are or I WOULD NOT HAVE RENTED ONE.
11:45 PM: Realized I rented a Blu-Ray of Magic Mike. I…um…this could have been a DVD. Why didn’t I get a DVD?
11:45:15 PM: Oh yeah! Because Blu-Rays have excellent sound and picture quality. Thanks, commercial!
11:45:22 PM: Excellent picture quality on a film about male strippers. Why didn’t I get a DVD?!?!?!?!
11:47 PM: Trailer for Cloud Atlas. I really should have seen Cloud Atlas during the 4 days it was in theaters. This looks fascinating. A fascinating movie starring Tom Hanks. Apparently also narrated by Tom Hanks. And Halle Berry? I have no idea what’s going on anymore. Fast Forward.
11:49 PM: Tried to find a picture of the Blu-Ray menu. Couldn’t. Imagine a really buff, smooth, buff version of the village people but without the Native American guy. Or the black guy. Okay, imagine five white guys dressed in nearly nothing. Now imagine me screaming “WHY DID I FORGET TO MAKE THOSE PHONE CALLS AT WORK?! WHY?!” Okay, four minutes of repeating that and I’m finally pressing play.
Let it Begin
11:54 PM: I love Steven Soderbergh. Let’s get that out in the open. The man makes some excellent films and the fact that he directed this is the only reason I went along with my punishment.
11:54:30 PM: Nothing on screen yet, but some ladies are cheering as Matthew McCon….oh geez. He’s on screen now. He’s asking “Hey now ladies, can you touch this? Can you fuckin’ touch this?” as he grabs his crotch.
11:54:40 PM: I SHOULD’VE MADE THOSE PHONE CALLS. WHY DIDN’T I JUST MAKE THOSE PHONE CALLS!!!!!!
11:56 PM: Naked girl! Naked girl! Two of them! Redemption! Channing Tatum just made himself smoother. Below the belt. Tells girl not to steal his shit. That’ll work, Channing.
11:57 PM: Channing Tatum is Mike! Apparently he has a mobile detailing business and hopes to someday sell custom furniture. Nice to see that even male strippers have dreams.
11:59 PM: Mike is now scolding his construction boss for hiring guys off of Craig’s List. This brings up several concerns. First of all, how many jobs does Mike have? He’s climbing up on a roof now where a bunch of guys appear to barely be working. That should be more of a concern, right? Oh! He got his job on Craig’s List, so he’s jealous of the other guys who got jobs on Craig’s List. Mystery solved!
12:00 AM: Nothing like eating your third piece of pie for the day as you watch Channing Tatum walking around being Channing Tatum to boost the ol’ ego. Nothing at all.
12:02 AM: Haven’t caught this guy’s name yet, but Mike’s friend got fired from the construction job because he was accused of stealing. He’s now at home with his sister, sorry, his GORGEOUS sister who is telling him to get a job. But politely! Oh, I bet someone out there has a job for a guy with no talents except looking good.
12:06 AM: Sister’s brother is a friend of Mike’s. Mike is in line for a club, friend wants into the club wearing a hoodie. Apparently the name of the club is Amphitheater, which is a magical land filled with beautiful women dancing in cages and other noncaged women in sparkly dresses getting ready to dance with Captain Sweatshirt.
12:07 AM: Captain Sweatshirt’s real name might be Ruben. I don’t care if that’s his name or not, it is now. Ruben just impressed a girl wearing a tiara and a sash.
12:09 AM: Ruben’s real name is Adam. ADAM. ADAM. Magic Mike is handing out advertising to the sash girl inviting her to his “male dance revue.” Adam is standing there awkwardly. I repeat, a guy named Adam is standing there awkwardly while another guy smooth talks the ladies. Show of hands, who here has seen that before?
12:09:10 AM: Put down my hand so that I could continue typing.
12:12 AM: I have absolutely no idea how to spell Matthew McConaughey’s last name. I also have no idea why he’s standing in a room waving around some sort of torch.
12:13 AM: GOOD GAWD, THAT’S KEVIN NASH’S MUSIC!
12:13:10 AM: Kevin Nash is in a film about male strippers. He’s teaching Adam how to spray tan his leg. Have a feeling that might become a major plot point soon.
12:14 AM: I’ve spent much of this year needing a job. Somehow I never thought about applying at a male strip club. Awkward Adam is getting prepared to hand things to the dancers as they go on stage by joining them in taking some sort of probably illegal supplement. What the eff is going on. Twenty minutes into this movie and….oh my….here come the dancers.
12:16 AM: Those are certainly some strategically placed umbrellas.
12:16:10 AM: Those are some spinning umbrellas. Seriously hoping their trenchcoats remain strategically placed.
12:17 AM: Nope. But at least they’re still wearing pants and vests.
12:17:20 AM: Nope.
12:17:40 AM: But the pants are still on so far, that’s good news. They’ve got that going for them. And most are wearing some kind of ties.
12:18 AM: Except for Kevin Nash.
12:18:15 AM: Oh Adam. Adam, no no, Adam. Don’t get that sly smile on your face. But at least he’s smiling while they’re still wearing pan….
12:19 AM: Nope.
12:19:30 AM: WHY, OH WHY, DID I NOT JUST MAKE THOSE PHONE CALLS?!
12:20 AM: Kevin Nash is passed out in the back instead of being out on stage where he belongs. I’d expect this out of Scott Hall, but not you, Nash!
12:21 AM: They need somebody to dance instead of Kevin Nash. It’s as if Adam were there for a convenient plot point reason!
12:21:10 AM: Yup.
12:21:40 AM: Adam can’t dance, but is awfully good at taking his clothes off. It’s as if I have a clone.
12:24 AM: Adam made lots of money for awkwardly taking his clothes off. It’s no longer as if I have a clone.
12:25 AM: Magic Mike is apparently a part owner of a male strip club, a construction worker, an amateur furniture business owner. And good with the ladies.
12:26 AM: Very good. I…oh my…that young lady just removed her sash. Even Adam is bringing somebody back to his sister’s couch. Or…wait…to a bridge near the ocean. Classy move, Adam. Classy.
12:27 AM: Adam: “Hey Mike, I think we should be best friends.” Essentially what I said in 1990 when I walked over to my neighbor Mike’s house for the very first time.
12:29 AM: Cody Horn just scolded Magic Mike about how she doesn’t cook breakfast. 35 minutes in and I cannot for the life of me figure out where this movie is going. Could be about Adam finding himself, could be about Mike finally owning his own furniture business funded by stripping, could be about Adam’s sister hating breakfast, could be about Matthew McConaughey being a gigantic douche. I JUST DON’T KNOW!
12:31 AM: Yeah, definitely that last thing. He’s abusing Adam while teaching Adam how to grind on him. AND ADAM AGAIN WITH THE SLY SMILE!
12:32 AM: Magic Mike now taking Adam underwear shopping. For some star spangled banner underwear.
12:32:25 AM: Matthew McConaughey’s name is apparently Dallas. Granted, I earlier thought Adam’s name was Ruben, but I’m sticking with this one since it’s much easier to spell.
12:33 AM: Adam is now shaving his leg. The leg that Kevin Nash spray tanned. Callback!
12:34 AM: Adam’s Sister: “I need to talk to you about this box with the boots, the sailor hats, the thongs….I don’t judge man, I love you, but I need to talk to you about this bo….is this my razor?”
12:35 AM: Smash cut to Adam now being on stage in some sort of wild west show down with another stripper. Oh..no..wait…now he’s just in a wild west showdown with his cowboy hat as his sister watches uncomfortably from the shadows.
12:36 AM: Adam’s sister warns Magic Mike that he’d better take care of Adam.
12:37 AM: I can’t lie, I’m strangely liking this movie. For it’s PLOT AND DIRECTION. Let’s make that VERY clear.
12:38 AM: I can’t lie, I’m joining a gym next week. WHICH I WAS GOING TO DO ANYWAY. Let’s make THAT very clear.
12:38:30 AM: Adam’s sister is getting very jealous that Magic Mike is currently carrying another girl on stage and dry humping her.
12:39 AM: He took off his pants. She briefly looked happier. Not nearly as happy as the woman he was dry humping, but still! Progress towards the inevitably romantic ending!
12:41 AM: Magic Mike is now in a suit. Appears to be a non removable suit. Office girl is clearly flustered by Channing Tatum’s looks, something that has been recreated in real live offices by real live office girls nationwide.
12:43 AM: Now we’re getting somewhere. Mike is getting very frustrated that he can’t charm his way out of a low credit score. I hear you, brother.
12:44 AM: We’ve now moved into July. We’ve moved into July with Mike ringing Adam’s doorbell….while wearing a dress and a Marilyn Monroe wig. It appears he’s taking his credit score harder than I thought.
12:45 AM: It appears he’s actually taking the news of his horrible credit score by getting eight gorgeous people on a boat to a sandbar party. A sandbar party at which he will charm the pants off of Adam’s sister, perhaps setting up some sort of conflict with Adam. Not that this is predictable, of course.
12:46 AM: OLIVIA MUNN OLIVIA MUNN OLIVIA MUNN OLIVIA MUNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12:47 AM: Olivia Munn wants to bring Adam’s sister into bed with her and Mike.
12:48 AM: OLIVIA MUNN WAS ONE OF THE NAKED CHICKS I SAW AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE!!!!!
12:48:05 AM: Checking price of Magic Mike on Amazon. Worth it just for Olivia Munn’s butt. OLIVIA MUNN!!!!!!!
12:50 AM: Adam’s sister and Mike having heart to heart on the beach. Just checked Rotten Tomatoes while they tried to figure Adam out, saw this has an 80% rating. Certified fresh!
12:51 AM: Guys back on stage in military costume. Matthew McConaughey’s abs just aren’t fair.
12:52 AM: Shirts off. Their abs aren’t fair either.
12:52:20 AM: Is it sleazier to own a strip club or to dance at one? I have to go with owning, but that may be because I’m won over by the charms of Adam and Magic Mike.
12:54 AM: Love that Adam is drunk out of his mind but still has the presence of mind to dewrinkle his dollars. I know that’s always a top concern of mine when I go out drinking. Granted, I rarely have more than one dollar in my pocket, but still. Gotta keep it smooth at all times, that’s my motto.
12:55 AM: Olivia Munn is really really really REALLY pretty. Gonna be a shame when Magic Mike breaks her heart to go out with Adam’s sister, who in turn is going to break that Paul guy’s heart. I smell a conflict coming!
12:57 AM: It is a testament to the talents of Steven Soderbergh that he can make an utterly captivating movie about male strippers. A movie that includes more than one scene with nothing but guys dancing on girls while music plays over any sounds actually taking place in the scene itself. Dude knows his stuff.
12:59 AM: Dallas is moving the club from Tampa to Miami. This has no consequence as far as I’m concerned, but it was just fun to make a sentence with three city names in it.
1:00 AM: Ooo! Ooo! I bet this will have consequences between Adam, Magic Mike, Adam’s Sister and Olivia Munn! Wait for it….
1:02 AM: Magic Mike has feelings for Olivia Munn! Real feelings! Adam has feelings for a girl who is currently feeding a bottle to a pig! Real, honest to goodness, temporary sexy sex time feelings!
1:05 AM: Adam just ignored the pig girl to feel the boobs of another stripper’s wife. He felt her up while telling the stripper how much he loved him. Honestly thirty of the weirdest seconds I’ve seen in a very long time. And now it’s August…
1:09 AM: Magic Mike is sooooo in love with Adam’s sister. She doesn’t want them to move to Miami. He doesn’t want anything to stand in the way of his custom furniture business. At least they have an equal relationship.
1:10 AM: Magic Mike and Adam now dressed as cops at a sorority party. How many jobs does Mike HAVE??? Wait…wait…..they aren’t arresting these girls. THEY AREN’T ARRESTING THESE GIRLS AT ALL.
1:12 AM: ADAM JUST GAVE A PILL TO A GIRL! Ohhhhhh snap! Frat boy now getting mad at Adam….Bottle over the head…..RIOT RIOT RIOT!!!
1:12:10 AM: If I live to be a thousand, I hope I can make it that long without getting beaten up by a naked stripper.
1:12:15 AM: Or a clothed stripper.
1:12:18 AM: Or a female stripper.
1:12:20 AM: Or Channing Tatum.
1:12:22 AM: Definitely not Channing Tatum.
1:15 AM: How is every person in this movie outrageously good looking? Is that just how it is in Florida? Or just in movie Florida? I want one ugly guy to just walk through a room, wave and say “Hi! I DO exist! Now back to your show!”
1:19 AM: Mike gets into a fight and then gets reunited with Olivia Munn. And her fiancee. Oh. Crap. Didn’t see that coming, actually. $10 that she explains her way out of that one by saying “I’m Olivia Munn.”
1:21 AM: Mike now smack talking Dallas. Dallas not taking kindly to it. Shockingly not surprised that Mike is taking the news of Olivia Munn being engaged harder than he took the news of his bad credit score.
1:22 AM: Mike now getting sassy by not wearing his sailor costume and instead twirling from a rope above the stage while he wears some sort of corset. That’ll show him, Mike! I know nothing angers me more than when a guy doesn’t wear a sailor outfit after I tell him to.
1:22:01 AM: I’d like that last sentence stricken from the record.
1:26 AM: Mike is self destructing while Adam is on some sort of ecstasy fueled night with the girl who was milking a pig earlier. This is one of those scenes that Soderbergh does better than anybody. No dialogue, just music, but everything in the world going on at once. Well done.
1:28 AM: Adam’s sister is in there now completely dressing down Mike. Hah! A pun! Go me!
1:28 AM: Adam is passed out on the floor after the drugs. Turns out his sister’s name is Brooke. 90 minutes into the movie and they finally name her. The moral conscience of the film is named Brooke. MUCH easier for me to handle than the moral conscience being named Adam’s Sister.
1:30 AM: Bunch of guys broke into Magic Mike’s house! Drug dealers looking for the kid. Adam’s been dealing drugs! BAD ADAM! BAD! The stripping I can handle, but not that!!
1:33 AM: Now Adam’s Sister is breaking up with Magic Mike because he turned her brother into a drug dealer. “Am I Magic Mike right now talking to you? I’m not my job, it is what I do but it’s not who I am.”
1:34 AM: Channing Tatum can actually act.
1:36 AM: No, really. He can act. He’s silently owning a scene where Adam is explaining to him how he changed his life. “The guy who has given me more in this lifetime than I could ever ask for.” Almost exactly what I’d say to Bruce Springsteen, can’t lie. I imagine he’d look similarly disturbed to how Channing Tatum looks here.
1:40 AM: I have to imagine that when he auditioned and was told that he’d need to spend a good chunk of this movie in a thong grabbing himself, Matthew McConaughey just said “Meh, that’s fine. No different than my typical Saturday night.”
1:41 AM: Mike left the club instead of going on stage. Dallas just promoted Adam to the prestigious title of “The Man.” The torch has been passed…but where is Magic Mike going! Oooooohhhhh, to see Brooke. Adam’s Sister. Slick move, Soderbergh.
1:42 AM: Touching heart to heart followed by some kissin’. Mark my words.
1:43 AM: Mike tells Brooke that he didn’t give the drug dealers $10,000 to help Adam. “I didn’t do it for him.” I bet I know who he did it for!
1:44 AM: “I’m not going to Miami.” “What’re you gonna do?” “I guess I need a new plan…”
1:44:10 AM: Adam’s Sister broke up with her boyfriend! I think I know where this is going! Now they’re going out to eat for breakfast. But she hates breakfast! Wait a minute…
1:45 AM: Her favorite breakfast place doesn’t open for seven hours. Waaaaaaait a minute….
1:46 AM: Kissing! And….movie’s over. Smooth, Brooke, Smooth.
Honestly, I really liked this. Honestly? I’d watch it again. Plenty of gorgeous girls (OLIVIA MUNN!) and a really well written/directed movie to balance out the male stripping. It’s more about developing self esteem and growing up than anything else. All disguised through the medium of male stripping. Takes a talented filmmaker to pull that off and like I said, Steven Soderbergh knows his stuff. 3 stars out of 4.
Now, I may not do a live blog again. Well, at least not about this movie again. Certainly never intended it to be almost 3,000 words. If you’ve made it this far, thanks, but drop me a line and tell me why. Hopefully you had a little fun reading it. I actually did writing it. Thanks again if you made it this far and good night!